I’m struggling just to get by.
Sometimes, I get these break downs.. where I don’t feel like I want to be anywhere. I secretly sometimes wish I didn’t exist.. for a brief moment. Maybe, just a moment of relaxation, or for me to be someone else for a day. I don’t know. Sometimes, I can’t stand myself. I can’t stand the way I think. I always know what’s best for me, and sometimes I still go on and do what’s not. Sometimes, I cave in to doing things that lead the fast way out. I guess, if you’re reading this.. you’re probably as confused as to what I’m talking about as I am. I mean, I can’t tell you what it really is.. because I’m ashamed of it. I just, I just don’t know how to say it.. I’m just not ready to put it out into words, out in the open like this. Maybe, within time.. I’ll learn to let go of it. Maybe then, I’ll let you know what this has done to me, what this is. Basically, I just don’t like me. I don’t see myself as a role model, or someone to look up too.. or someone to even like. I see someone, that is easy for people to get sick of. Annoyed of. & I think that’s why ever since I’ve come to this place in mind, I don’t want to let people close to me. Because once I do, they’ll just leave. & I’d rather not have them come in at all, than to leave when my heart is invested in them.
I just can’t take that anymore.
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