I just want to feel like I’m the only one. That there’s no second person, no back up, no other one who can replace me or that I’m not here to replace anyone. I don’t want to be inbetween. I want to be special.
I just wish I had certainty of where my life will be.
I just want to feel free.
I’m trapped in my own thoughts,
in the nightmares, of what used to be..
what’s left are my memories.
Forever seems too good to be true, and if it isn’t .. Well then it seems too far away.
It’s more about what you do than what you say. You can talk all the shit you want about me but it don’t mean a damn thing cause it’s not true.
I just turned twenty.
I’ve been on tumblr for like 6 years…
Well no.. well yes.
I haven’t been on for the last two years.. not as much as least.
A lot has been happening.
To be honest, I’ve been away since my mom passed away.
I’m growing up.
I’m still 20.
I’m no longer a teen.
The way I’m typing is retarded, im sorry, not sorry.
I miss everyone I use to talk to through here, and oh how the times have changed since.
Crazy to think you connect to people through here.
I’m so thankful.
I am so blessed.
I’ve had a lot of opportunities..
Here’s something I’ve left out.
A couple months back, I auditioned for a group called “the ex-girlfriends”.. made it to call backs, than I didn’t get it..
but I think it’s for the better because I’ve got so much going on right now. I was lucky to meet the people I’ve met, and I can’t wait for the future.
At this moment.
I hope this feeling last awhile.
I just hope.
And we got this other thing that’s been working for a long time where you don’t have to be racist anymore, it’s called self-hate. It works on itself it’s like real estate of racism. Where, just like that, when someone comes up and says something like “I am a god”, everybody says, “who does he think he is?” I just told you who I thought I was! A god! I just told you, that’s who I think I am. Would it have been better if I called a song that said “I am a nigga”? Or if I had a song that said “I am a gangster”? Or if I had a song that song “I am a pimp”? All those colors and petinas fit better on a person like me right? But to say you are a god? Especially when you got shipped over to the country you’re in and your last name is a slave owners’. How could you say that? How could have that mentality?
I didn’t mean to be that girl.
I don’t want to be that girl.
I always think back to the day when I was 8.
I could’ve ran off, I could’ve ran away. I could’ve did something utterly amazing. I could’ve learned to be on my own at 8, living from whatever I could find, where ever I could find. Trash can to trash can, door to door ? Truth is, I would have nothing and be happy with it. Because whatever else I went for. from that point. There would be no such thing as failing, or losing.. because I would have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I would have no other option, and no back up plans but to give my all and everything in which I was trying to do. I could’ve done something great by now…
Or I could’ve been found a ditch.
I don’t want to have that negative energy. I don’t want to be unhappily holding on to a bar because I know it’s what’s safe. I know I should let go of this bar I’m on, drop and hopefully land, but if not; I hope I end up somewhere not to bad. Not worse than it is holding on to this bar, that I’m too afraid to let go of.
I see it in her; she was a insecure, self destructive, gullible, a little insane, depressed, unhappy, all around troubled. Although this is what people saw, I believe she had another side to her. She was her own worst critic. She constantly felt the need to remind herself where and what to improve on. She always strived to be at her best. She was also desperate for love, true love. All she wanted was not to be so lonely. She wanted that endless love. The kind that goes on to eternity. To be someone’s “somebody special”. That was all she really wanted. After all, a little girl being tossed around everywhere from one family to another. I’m sure really left her wanting someone who was constant. I’m sure she was really just an innocent girl, in search of someone who would remain in her life through thick and thin. I think that’s why she gone through so many men. Just looking for someone to take her in and keep her. She was vulnerable. She wanted so much of people’s approval and acceptance, she really would do anything for it. I doubt she was stupid, in fact I think it’s quite the exact opposite. I believe she was playing dumb, because that’s what people wanted. Honestly’ , no one really wants to see a girl be a smart ass all the damn time. Instead, she played dumb. That way people loved her, whether it be because they felt sorry for her and wanted to help the poor girl, or because they wanted to take advantage of her. Every girl knows, if you play the helpless little girl just wanting to be rescued by a man. In which again, is all she ever wanted. She was real smart, to make this other persona and became it. Although that was brilliant, I think somewhere in time .. both her persona and her reality became a blur. She just didn’t know the difference between the two anymore. Did she dumb herself down so much she got lost in it all ? Had no more control and let other people get the best of her ?
This could all be what I think happened… because I see myself going that same route, walking along the same path but of course with a couple differences.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m writing about Marilyn Monroe.
I’ve been reading a lot about her, and doing my research on her. I don’t know what started it all, but I’m captivated, and I think it’s because the more I read, the more I find about her, the more I see myself in her. It’s like I’m reading a reflection of myself. I feel and think the same ways sometimes. I’m all the same emotions.
She was a lost little girl, just hoping to find love.
I just hope I don’t turn out like her, and I doubt I will. I don’t go through men like she did, but I’m afraid I’ll never get rid of this feeling of insecurity, destructiveness, sadness, and worry.
I feel like I relate to her so much, it dawned on me. I don’t want to have that negative energy. I don’t want to be unhappily holding on to a bar because I know it’s what’s safe. I know I should let go of this bar I’m on, drop and hopefully land, but if not; I hope I end up somewhere not to bad. Not worse than it is holding on to this bar, that I’m too afraid to let go of.
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Most people that think they know me, think I’m heartless..
because I don’t show hurt, and I don’t show pain.
I hide it deep in my insecurities, and shove it down inside me where no one could ever find it. So I don’t cry, and I don’t sweat, not in front of people at least.
I do it so well, that people believe it.
That I completely do not give one fck about the world.